Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Walken Into Darkness

Hey Hollywood
Word on the street is, you guys are in a bit of a bind. You're fast running out of novels and half novels to turn into whole films. What's more, those dastardly vidje-agames snagged Liam Neeson with a contract to make Clash of Clans Superbowl Ads 2, With a Vengeance, 4.0 and A Good Day to Clash Clans, he's minted, he doesn't need Taken anymore. You could say he's been taken *is electrocuted*
Anyhoo, I'd like to take a few minutes of your time to pitch you an original concept for a film. Now, it is currently just a trailer, but here's the thing. Trailers are what make people want to see a film. To succeed, all a film needs to do is include scenes that will impress people in trailer form. Sorry art.
What's more, this film will give some much needed love to one of America's favourite sons, Christopher Walken. Did you see Peter Pan Live. I didn't was it good? Doesn't matter, what's important is that Christopher Walken was the best bit about it. The people love walking Walken. Such love for Chris, which you can capitalise on.
It occurs to me that reading a trailer is probably not the best way to enjoy it, so to help with the atmosphere open Hans Zimmer's page on spotify, that ought to do it.
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Walken Into Darkness Trailer
By Ivan Moustaches


INT. BANK - DAY
Two people fill out a form on a table, they block our view of the bank behind

MAN:
Hang on, I've written your name instead of mine again.

"WALKEN" VOICE OFFSCREEN (DISTANT):
Hey, how're you, doing. This is. A robbery

WOMAN:
Jeez Frank

MAN:
It's a common mistake.

"WALKEN" VOICE OFFSCREEN (DISTANT):
Give me. All the cash. In the bank.

WOMAN:
No it's not, Jeez, why'd I ever marry, hang on, that sounds like.... Christopher Walken?

The man and woman turn around, in doing so allowing us to see the rest of the bank. The balaclava wearing "WALKEN" is talking to a BANK WORKER, a crowd has begun to form, some are taking pictures

"WALKEN":
I said, all the cash. Now. I gotta fever, and the only prescription, is cash!

BANK WORKER:
Mr. Walken, we can't just give you any more money than what's in your account. However, if you take that mask off I myself will gladly pay you for a photograph.

"WALKEN":
Little man. If I, don't. Get the money. It's gonna get. Real crazy, in here.

BANK WORKER (still very calm):
How about I pay you for an answering machine message

"WALKEN":
Sure, here's my. Message

"Walken" takes out a gun and shoots the bank worker.

"WALKEN" addressing the other shocked bank workers:
Come on. Make with the cash, chop chop.

The image resolution becomes grainy, and we transition from looking at the scene in the bank to looking at the same scene on a news show.

NEWS ANCHOR:
Actor Christopher Walken was seen, well, heard, robbing a bank today, critically wounding a bank worker in the process. Authorities are unsure of what drove the star of Balls of Fury to commit such a vicious crime. We now go live to his home.

EXT. WALKEN'S HOME - EVENING
Walken is surrounded by a swarm of reporters.

REPORTER:
Mr, Walken! Chris! Chris! Why'd you do it? Acting not giving you the same kick?

WALKEN:
I'm telling you. That. Was not, me. It was, some one. Doing an impression. I gotta distinct voice. A lot of people. Do 'em,
REPORTER (Doing a Walken impression. Badly):
Yeah. They. Are. Great.

Fade to black.

VOICE-OVER:
Framed for a crime he didn't commit.

INT: A House - Night
WALKEN:
You gotta believe me.

VOICE-OVER:
Christopher Walken has one day to clear his name

EXT: A Los Angeles Street - Day

Walken runs through a crowd, wearing a hooded jumper, with the hood up. As he runs, he wipes off the clown make-up he's wearing with a tissue. He is persued by the police

VOICE-OVER:
Or watch his life

INT: The house - Night

OTHER CHARACTER POSSIBLY PLAYED BY MERYL STREEP:
This is bad Chris

VOICE-OVER:
Crumble

EXT: Dessert - Night
Walken dives behind a wall, in the distance there is a large explosion

VOICE-OVER:
Before

EXT: The Hollywood sign - Day

Walken runs along the top of the Hollywood sign, persued by men in 18th century greatcoats, he looks over his shoulder to see one of the men aiming a gun at him, and jumps, managing to take cover by nestling in the V part of the letter W

VOICE-OVER:
His 
EXT: The Walk of Fame
GARY OLDMAN attacks Walken's star with a hatchet, cracking it, symbolising the damage done to Walken's reputation and legend by a crime he was innocent of.

VOICE-OVER:
Eyes

EXT: The roof of a building - Morning

Walken stands on the centre of the roof, turning in a circle with the camera. He looks very dishevelled. He's holding a pistol and has a beard. He yells at the sky, we see he's addressing a News helicopter.
WALKEN:
This is. Not what. It looks like. I've been set up. Someone's playing you guys. The guy at the bank. Wasn't me. He's not Walken. I'm Walken.

VOICE OF THE VILLAIN:
Oh, you're Walken alright. Walken right into my trap.

Gunshot.
Cut to black.

VOICE-OVER:
Walken Into Darkness
Starring Peter Pan Live's Christopher Walken


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OK, I know the "trailer's all that matters" bit might have rubbed you up the wrong way and even those of you with no artistic inclination at all may have found the lack of basic details confusing, so I've put together some thoughts as to how we can flesh out the film, and maybe blag a few awards while we do it.
1. Difficult parental relationships
If Birdman's any indication, the academy want to see strained relationships between actors and their daughters, which I think could easily be worked in. Picture it, Walken's on the run, he isn't walking anymore, no where to turn when he realises there's only one person he can trust, who the press won't know about. His estranged daughter. Years ago, she grew ashamed of her father, despite Peter Pan Live and moved away, changed her name, and in a final slap in the face, changed her accent. I'm thinking she should have an English accent, but that's mostly because I feel I haven't seen Emily Blunt much in films lately. Edge of Whatnow?
2. The Villain
Kind of at a loss for who this should be, Walken being so loved that the idea of people hating him would surely shatter suspension of disbelief. I'm thinking maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sean Connery, jealous that ol' Chrissy Boy has stolen the title of guy people do impressions of a lot.
3. Social Issues
You guys have a bit of problem with women and with race it seems, not too many roles for a black person or a woman in mainstream hits. Conscientious sell out hack that I am, I want to help fix this with this film, personally I think Walken could be played by a black man or a woman, in particular Cate Blanchett
4. Your Mom
5. Time
Did you know Boyhood took twelve years to make? Mad. We gotta capitalise on this. If we start filming in May 2003 we should be ready to release in the next quarter. Might take a bit of script rewrite though
6. Secret Society
Point two got me thinking about a new direction for the film. How about our hero discovers he's the victim of a secret cabal of celebrity impressionists plotting world domination? To get to the bottom of the mystery, Walken must use his wiles and pitch perfect Streisand impression to infiltrate the group.
7. More Birdman?
Returning to Birdman for a moment, Mr. Birdman hated critics and was an actor and critics liked the film. Obviously they have issues of some sort. We can make the most of these by, I don't know, having Walken punch Mark Kermode or something. Hell, maybe the villain could be a critic, like Roger Ebert back from the dead, or something less dumb.
8. Birdmanhood
Combining points 1 and 5, how about we take the key trick of both films, the former's use of what resembles one continuous shot and the later's.... I've forgotten which one was the later one..... uh.... Boyhood's filmed over twelve years trick, and make a film in a single take over a twelve year period. It'll be a 105190 hour long masterpiece unlike any film before it. Oscar time!
9. Horses
At some point, Walken must ride a horse somewhere, at breakneck speed I might add, to deliver some kind of warning to someone. Or at least that's what I think it says on this napkin.
10. Just make Birdman




On an unrelated note, I'm ninety percent sure the woman in this is actually Kirsten Dunst. She's aged well. Best wishes, Ivan

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