Last night at stupid o' clock I posted the latest memory review for the lovely Meteos on Wordpress. Those who played the game may remember it came out in two thousand and five, a whole four years before Little King's Story. This did not occur to me until this morning however. In the latest in a long line of screw ups I completely messed up the review order and in the fact the next two reviews (Skyward Sword and Wii Sports Resort most likely) should have come before Little King's Story.
Please excuse my uselessness,
The other one
Saturday, 22 August 2015
Thursday, 13 August 2015
Little King's Story ~ Memory Review
After a number of delays the latest Memory Review (which I deeply regret not calling "From Memory" but here we are) is up on Wordpress. It's a review of the lovely Little King's Story for the Wii and there's some thoughts on Psychonauts and an amateurish attempt at a discussion of how one should review a game (what an endorsement eh? Believe it or not this review was delayed because I was working in sales for a while).
Since it's been a while, the running gimmick (or one of them at least) of quotes from Miister X about the games may have been forgotten (oh the irony). So here's a refresher on the statements that an intern assures me he "got when [he] contacted Miister X about the games".
Paper Mario Sticker Star: "As my client, Miister X made clear when he signed our deal with you, you may use his likeness for a fee, but he wants "nothing to do with your damn blog". He went on to say that he doesn't know what a sticker star is but that if you attempt to obtain another free opinion from him he will "shove a packet of match attack stickers so far down your throat that your intestines will look like a Man U fan's bedroom wall" Please don't call this number again unless you are in a position to make a cash offer. [Dictated but not read]"
Pilotwings Resort: "I believe I made it clear in my last message not to call this agency again unless you're interested in entering into another financial arrangement with Miister X or one of my other clients. You're phone number will now been blocked. Uh. Johnathon, how do hang up, wait no I have"
Since it's been a while, the running gimmick (or one of them at least) of quotes from Miister X about the games may have been forgotten (oh the irony). So here's a refresher on the statements that an intern assures me he "got when [he] contacted Miister X about the games".
Paper Mario Sticker Star: "As my client, Miister X made clear when he signed our deal with you, you may use his likeness for a fee, but he wants "nothing to do with your damn blog". He went on to say that he doesn't know what a sticker star is but that if you attempt to obtain another free opinion from him he will "shove a packet of match attack stickers so far down your throat that your intestines will look like a Man U fan's bedroom wall" Please don't call this number again unless you are in a position to make a cash offer. [Dictated but not read]"
Pilotwings Resort: "I believe I made it clear in my last message not to call this agency again unless you're interested in entering into another financial arrangement with Miister X or one of my other clients. You're phone number will now been blocked. Uh. Johnathon, how do hang up, wait no I have"
Monday, 10 August 2015
Psychonauts Hoedown
Howdy!
I posted the lyrics to a "Whose Line Is It Anyway" style hoedown over on Wordpress because why the hell not? While those guys come up with them on the spot, mine took all day and even I'm not sure how some of it is supposed to go. On a serious note I think it turned out OK and might post more of this kind of nonsense in the future, I've already got the beginnings of ode to Gunpoint à la Tom Jones rattling around in my head. I put it on Wordpress because lately I've been thinking that maybe it's a better fit for what I post which could hardly be called a blog. What does this mean for the Psychonauts review? Hard to say. Through the medium of song I conveyed most of the key points I would have made and it's a well covered game to begin with so unless I find myself with a lot of time to spare I don't really see the value in a full review.
Thursday, 6 August 2015
Delays
Some of you1 may have noticed that my plans for a weekly Memory Review2 are starting to seem like a cruel joke. Well there's a few reasons for that. For a few weeks I had a very time consuming job so I barely had time eat and replenish my helium supplies, let alone write a review. When I finished there I found that the game I had planned to review was a tricky one to discuss without simply listing features (WarioWare DIY if you're curious) so I decided to skip that one for now, that cost another few days. The next game on my list was Little King's Story, a game that I'm very fond of and that I have a lot of things to say about, in fact one of those points may well be spun into a separate article. While I was considering all this and writing the review draft, my laptop crashed and only after a week did I find out that there was no way of recovering the files. As well as the LKS draft I lost my notes on a lot of games I'd played recently (Psychonauts, Gunpoint etc.) as well as the most recent copy of my "big pile of ideas" file so future pieces are probably going to take (even) longer to put together, at least for a little while. Thanks for your patience.
1: Let's be honest here. There are none of "you". I'm writing only because I mentioned this blog on a CV and it wouldn't look good to the hiring manager if they looked it up and found that I hadn't kept to a schedule. Incidentally, hello.
2: That name is not getting any catchier is it?
1: Let's be honest here. There are none of "you". I'm writing only because I mentioned this blog on a CV and it wouldn't look good to the hiring manager if they looked it up and found that I hadn't kept to a schedule. Incidentally, hello.
2: That name is not getting any catchier is it?
Thursday, 11 June 2015
Memory Review 2: Pilotwings Resort
Memory reviews: A series of highly subjective weekly reviews of games I no longer own, arranged in the order in which I played them, starting with the most recent. These reviews are likely to be shorter than previous reviews, especially later ones and hopefully will capture the points, good and bad, that stood out and stuck with me about the games in question.
For a more detailed description of this idea, click here.
Previous review: Paper Mario Sticker Star.
Pilotwings Resort was a launch title for the Nintendo 3DS, and together with Steel Diver and Nintendogs and Cats made up Nintendo's first party offerings. It's likely that part of the reasoning behind this was that a game about flight would be well suited to showing off the consoles 3D technology, see "You think in such three dimensional terms" below.
There are three basic vehicle types as well as a flying squirrel type of thing unlocked later on. Advanced versions of each are unlocked as the game goes on. Here we come to the first memory hurdle, how do these different vehicles control? Ummm. The most honest answer I can give is that they control as you would expect them to. The plane moves at speed and maintains its altitude, so the focus is on navigation and turns. The glider requires currents to stay up, I think, so the focus there is on maintaining altitude and covering ground quickly so as not to miss out on high up targets. The jet pack also focuses on altitude and is the slowest of the three, there may have been a fuel mechanic for this one as well as a penalty for hitting the ground too hard. The fact that the exact mechanisms of the game are somewhat unclear in my mind after only a few years says a lot about the functional if forgettable nature of Pilotwings Resort. In addition, the game has some lifespan issues which will be discussed later on.
Part of the challenge of trying to write a review of Pilotwings Resort from memory is trying to distinguish elements from this game from parts of Wii Sports Resort (an excellent game which I may cover later in this series). Let me explain. Pilotwings Resort is divided into two sections: mission mode and exploration mode. In exploration mode you can use all three vehicles to explore the same tropical islands you explored by plane in Wii Sports Resort in search of secrets and information points. While the text for these points is entertaining and the main island has a number of secret caves and passageways which are a challenge both to find and to navigate, the fact is most players have likely done this before.
This leaves most of the job of justifying the game to the mission mode. Sadly there is a limited number of short missions to play. This is not necessarily a problem in every game; a small number of missions can provide lots of entertainment and replay value either through high score challenges or by introducing some sort of variability to each replay (as in the recent trend of rogue-like games1). Pilotwings Resort falls flat in both these areas. The missions are unchanging, during each replay you fly through the same targets positioned in the same positions, so multiple attempts quickly get repetitive. The game includes a scoring system in which you are scored out of three stars based on your performance. Even on paper, this is obviously a broad and imprecise system. There's no feedback or indications as to why some attempts get two stars rather than three. The witchcraft that determines whether your landing was good is particularly nebulous.
In a game with more courses, a cryptic scoring system would be less of an issue. In such a game, once you've taken off as much time, corrected as many mistakes as you can and tried as many alternate routes as you feel inclined to you can move on and repeat the process in a different level. But because it has only a few courses Resort insists you fixate on getting ill-defined perfect scores in unchanging missions in an already overfamiliar environment if you want to get more than an afternoon out of it. To conclude, personally I found that Pilotwings didn't have enough content to justify the price I paid for it, which may have contributed to the 3DS' initial failure to take off.
For a more detailed description of this idea, click here.
Previous review: Paper Mario Sticker Star.
Pilotwings Resort was a launch title for the Nintendo 3DS, and together with Steel Diver and Nintendogs and Cats made up Nintendo's first party offerings. It's likely that part of the reasoning behind this was that a game about flight would be well suited to showing off the consoles 3D technology, see "You think in such three dimensional terms" below.
There are three basic vehicle types as well as a flying squirrel type of thing unlocked later on. Advanced versions of each are unlocked as the game goes on. Here we come to the first memory hurdle, how do these different vehicles control? Ummm. The most honest answer I can give is that they control as you would expect them to. The plane moves at speed and maintains its altitude, so the focus is on navigation and turns. The glider requires currents to stay up, I think, so the focus there is on maintaining altitude and covering ground quickly so as not to miss out on high up targets. The jet pack also focuses on altitude and is the slowest of the three, there may have been a fuel mechanic for this one as well as a penalty for hitting the ground too hard. The fact that the exact mechanisms of the game are somewhat unclear in my mind after only a few years says a lot about the functional if forgettable nature of Pilotwings Resort. In addition, the game has some lifespan issues which will be discussed later on.
Part of the challenge of trying to write a review of Pilotwings Resort from memory is trying to distinguish elements from this game from parts of Wii Sports Resort (an excellent game which I may cover later in this series). Let me explain. Pilotwings Resort is divided into two sections: mission mode and exploration mode. In exploration mode you can use all three vehicles to explore the same tropical islands you explored by plane in Wii Sports Resort in search of secrets and information points. While the text for these points is entertaining and the main island has a number of secret caves and passageways which are a challenge both to find and to navigate, the fact is most players have likely done this before.
This leaves most of the job of justifying the game to the mission mode. Sadly there is a limited number of short missions to play. This is not necessarily a problem in every game; a small number of missions can provide lots of entertainment and replay value either through high score challenges or by introducing some sort of variability to each replay (as in the recent trend of rogue-like games1). Pilotwings Resort falls flat in both these areas. The missions are unchanging, during each replay you fly through the same targets positioned in the same positions, so multiple attempts quickly get repetitive. The game includes a scoring system in which you are scored out of three stars based on your performance. Even on paper, this is obviously a broad and imprecise system. There's no feedback or indications as to why some attempts get two stars rather than three. The witchcraft that determines whether your landing was good is particularly nebulous.
In a game with more courses, a cryptic scoring system would be less of an issue. In such a game, once you've taken off as much time, corrected as many mistakes as you can and tried as many alternate routes as you feel inclined to you can move on and repeat the process in a different level. But because it has only a few courses Resort insists you fixate on getting ill-defined perfect scores in unchanging missions in an already overfamiliar environment if you want to get more than an afternoon out of it. To conclude, personally I found that Pilotwings didn't have enough content to justify the price I paid for it, which may have contributed to the 3DS' initial failure to take off.
6
You think in such three dimensional terms
Personally, I'm not interested in 3D films or games. Especially in the case of films I find that the brain can roughly determine from 2D images how close or far away something is from things like size and shadows and so on, so a 3D effect adds little. For me, the most impressive (read actually noticeable) 3D effect in Avatar was the robot dog that kicks the floating ball into the audience before the film started. When you have 3D foreground elements that touch the frame it shatters the illusion of depth, at least for me anyway. A plane/glider/rocketman in the foreground, that does not come into contact with any larger objects (all things going well) exploring an open space is a good fit for showing off the 3D effect.
1: This represents the only time when this blog will attempt to comment on recent trends in videogames. I am sorry for any distress and confusion this has caused.
And now we're proud to present a statement from celebritii Miister X about the game that a hard working intern acquired for us.
"I believe I made it clear in my last message not to call this agency again unless you're interested in entering into another financial arrangement with Miister X or one of my other clients. You're phone number will now been blocked. Uh. Johnathon, how do hang up, wait no I have"
1: This represents the only time when this blog will attempt to comment on recent trends in videogames. I am sorry for any distress and confusion this has caused.
And now we're proud to present a statement from celebritii Miister X about the game that a hard working intern acquired for us.
"I believe I made it clear in my last message not to call this agency again unless you're interested in entering into another financial arrangement with Miister X or one of my other clients. You're phone number will now been blocked. Uh. Johnathon, how do hang up, wait no I have"
Thursday, 4 June 2015
Memory Review 1: Paper Mario Sticker Star
A key part of the EyeMoustaches mission statement is "reviewing games that came out years ago", an admiral goal definitely not born out of reluctance to spend money on new games. However, as I've mentioned before, within weeks of starting this blog I ran into a serious problem: I could hardly remember some of the games I'd long since sold off, which would make writing a useful review quite challenging.
What's more, it's difficult to trust a reviewer with a small back catalogue. You might be thinking, "this Moustache thing is telling me how good Kid Icarus is, but I can't trust it. I need references, a track record, I need to know it can tell a good game from a bad game. That it didn't just like it because Palutena has a voice like melted cheese.... in a good way (this may not have been your exact wording)".
But where others might see a problem, I see the potential for a series of gimmick articles. I intend to write a number of weekly smaller reviews of these games, with the twist that they'll be arranged in the order of release, from the most recent onward. Each week, you the lucky reader will be taken on a thrilling journey into increasingly foggy memories! Watch with amazement as the flowery prose, coherent arguments and confident statements of facts become short descriptions, half forgotten opinions and hesitant statements of questionable accuracy! Truly exciting stuff!
In addition, to boost the readership, I had an intern/figment of my imagination get some contributions from Miiverse super star Miister X about the games on the list. It may appear as though not many of them relate to the game in question but hii's an artist, operating on another level, so perhaps the true meaning and relevance of his statements is hidden, waiting to be discovered by a greater mind than mine.
So without further adieu, I give the first review in the series: Paper Mario Sticker Star
Paper Mario Sticker Star
Super Paper Mario on the Wii was divisive because it mixed classic Mario with the RPG elements of the Paper Mario series. While I did miss the turn based combat of the previous games, the wit and style of the series lived on. The story, characters and companions carried me through the adjustment to the new combat scheme as well as some of the game's faults (for example: a dependence on backtracking, and the underused rotation mechanic). Sticker Star attempts a different mixture of those two game types and falls flat. It takes the story and minimal dialogue from traditional Mario games (Bowser, of all people, has kidnapped, who'd-have-guessed, Princess Peach) as well as the map structure of Super Mario Bros 3 and World and mixes these elements with the 3D environments, visual style and turn based combat of the Paper Mario series.
Removing the story and character elements takes with it the colourful dust jacket of Paper Mario, revealing the simplistic, functional hardback cover of exploration beneath. In this game your objectives are quite similar to those seen in previous games and as before you are accompanied by a companion who does the talking. However because of the reduced focus on writing these are the least interesting environments in the series. Whereas previous games were set backstage at wrestling matches, in abstract wastelands, nerd fortresses and toyboxs and tasked you with solving murder and stew pot mysteries in this game you explore the forests and rolling hills and forests that are standards of Mario games. Mario's companion, the floating-crown-person-lady, is another staple, specifically the straight-man/woman that Mario partners up with at the start of Paper Mario game who is quickly replaced with someone more interesting (dull companions were also a problem with Super Paper Mario, but as I recall in that game your alternate characters, particularly Bowser picked up the slack). In Sticker Star however, that initial companion accompanies you throughout the game. The crown gives Mario the power to peel off parts of the world and reposition them elsewhere but this ability is never used in an interesting way and does little but facilitate fetch quests.
All that being said, dialogue and setting isn't everything, and on first glance the game's combat appears to have gone back to the series' turn based roots. Closer inspection reveals, however, that slight changes have been made which, at the risk of sounding like everyone who has ever talked about games on the internet ever make everything worse. As mentioned earlier, Mario only has one companion throughout the whole game, so the extra layer of strategy provided by companions is gone, leaving the whole system resting on Mario's wafer then shoulders. In this game, all moves are tied to stickers bought and collected in the world. This change has its merits, different stickers take up more space in Mario's collection than others depending on their power, so some resource management is necessary. For instance, you need to stock up on hammers if you expect to encounter spiky enemies. The most powerful and visually interesting moves are sometimes used to solve puzzles in the environment such as blowing things away with a giant fan, which on paper (PAPER) is an interesting mechanic. In practice though, this means you rarely use these abilities in combat, out of fear that they will be needed to solve a puzzle later on in which case you would have to retreat and buy a new copy. To use the ever fertile toybox metaphor, it's like being given the keys to a toybox, but you can't tell which toys can actually be played with and which ones will be needed to knock over giant bowling pins later on.
As a result, most battles consist of using the staple moves on staple enemies in staple environments to further a staple Mario story filled with bland staple characters. Paper Mario Sticker Star is perhaps an odd game to start this memory review series with because it is not that I've forgotten details of the game over time but that so little of it was interesting enough to stick(er) in my memory to begin with.
Next review: Pilotwings Resort
Removing the story and character elements takes with it the colourful dust jacket of Paper Mario, revealing the simplistic, functional hardback cover of exploration beneath. In this game your objectives are quite similar to those seen in previous games and as before you are accompanied by a companion who does the talking. However because of the reduced focus on writing these are the least interesting environments in the series. Whereas previous games were set backstage at wrestling matches, in abstract wastelands, nerd fortresses and toyboxs and tasked you with solving murder and stew pot mysteries in this game you explore the forests and rolling hills and forests that are standards of Mario games. Mario's companion, the floating-crown-person-lady, is another staple, specifically the straight-man/woman that Mario partners up with at the start of Paper Mario game who is quickly replaced with someone more interesting (dull companions were also a problem with Super Paper Mario, but as I recall in that game your alternate characters, particularly Bowser picked up the slack). In Sticker Star however, that initial companion accompanies you throughout the game. The crown gives Mario the power to peel off parts of the world and reposition them elsewhere but this ability is never used in an interesting way and does little but facilitate fetch quests.
All that being said, dialogue and setting isn't everything, and on first glance the game's combat appears to have gone back to the series' turn based roots. Closer inspection reveals, however, that slight changes have been made which, at the risk of sounding like everyone who has ever talked about games on the internet ever make everything worse. As mentioned earlier, Mario only has one companion throughout the whole game, so the extra layer of strategy provided by companions is gone, leaving the whole system resting on Mario's wafer then shoulders. In this game, all moves are tied to stickers bought and collected in the world. This change has its merits, different stickers take up more space in Mario's collection than others depending on their power, so some resource management is necessary. For instance, you need to stock up on hammers if you expect to encounter spiky enemies. The most powerful and visually interesting moves are sometimes used to solve puzzles in the environment such as blowing things away with a giant fan, which on paper (PAPER) is an interesting mechanic. In practice though, this means you rarely use these abilities in combat, out of fear that they will be needed to solve a puzzle later on in which case you would have to retreat and buy a new copy. To use the ever fertile toybox metaphor, it's like being given the keys to a toybox, but you can't tell which toys can actually be played with and which ones will be needed to knock over giant bowling pins later on.
As a result, most battles consist of using the staple moves on staple enemies in staple environments to further a staple Mario story filled with bland staple characters. Paper Mario Sticker Star is perhaps an odd game to start this memory review series with because it is not that I've forgotten details of the game over time but that so little of it was interesting enough to stick(er) in my memory to begin with.
6
 |
| This game |
And know the comment from Miister X
"As my client, Miister X made clear when he signed our deal with you, you may use his likeness for a fee, but he wants "nothing to do with your damn blog". He went on to say that he doesn't know what a sticker star is but that if you attempt to obtain another free opinion from him he will "shove a packet of match attack stickers so far down your throat that your intestines will look like a Man U fan's bedroom wall" Please don't call this number again unless you are in a position to make a cash offer. [Dictated but not read]"
Wednesday, 18 March 2015
Walken Into Darkness
Hey Hollywood
Word on the street is, you guys are in a bit of a bind. You're fast running out of novels and half novels to turn into whole films. What's more, those dastardly vidje-agames snagged Liam Neeson with a contract to make Clash of Clans Superbowl Ads 2, With a Vengeance, 4.0 and A Good Day to Clash Clans, he's minted, he doesn't need Taken anymore. You could say he's been taken *is electrocuted*
Anyhoo, I'd like to take a few minutes of your time to pitch you an original concept for a film. Now, it is currently just a trailer, but here's the thing. Trailers are what make people want to see a film. To succeed, all a film needs to do is include scenes that will impress people in trailer form. Sorry art.
What's more, this film will give some much needed love to one of America's favourite sons, Christopher Walken. Did you see Peter Pan Live. I didn't was it good? Doesn't matter, what's important is that Christopher Walken was the best bit about it. The people lovewalking Walken. Such love for Chris, which you can capitalise on.
It occurs to me that reading a trailer is probably not the best way to enjoy it, so to help with the atmosphere open Hans Zimmer's page on spotify, that ought to do it.
Walken Into Darkness Trailer
Walken runs through a crowd, wearing a hooded jumper, with the hood up. As he runs, he wipes off the clown make-up he's wearing with a tissue. He is pursued by the police
VOICE-OVER:
VOICE-OVER:
OK, I know the "trailer's all that matters" bit might have rubbed you up the wrong way and even those of you with no artistic inclination at all may have found the lack of basic details confusing, so I've put together some thoughts as to how we can flesh out the film, and maybe blag a few awards while we do it.
1. Difficult parental relationships
If Birdman's any indication, the academy want to see strained relationships between actors and their daughters, which I think could easily be worked in. Picture it, Walken's on the run, he isn't walking anymore, no where to turn when he realises there's only one person he can trust, who the press won't know about. His estranged daughter. Years ago, she grew ashamed of her father, despite Peter Pan Live and moved away, changed her name, and in a final slap in the face, changed her accent. I'm thinking she should have an English accent, but that's mostly because I feel I haven't seen Emily Blunt much in films lately. Edge of Whatnow?
2. The Villain
Kind of at a loss for who this should be, Walken being so loved that the idea of people hating him would surely shatter suspension of disbelief. I'm thinking maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sean Connery, jealous that ol' Chrissy Boy has stolen the title of guy people do impressions of a lot.
3. Your Mom
4. Time
Did you know Boyhood took twelve years to make? Mad. We gotta capitalise on this. If we start filming in May 2003 we should be ready to release in the next quarter. Might take a bit of script rewrite though
5. Secret Society
Point two got me thinking about a new direction for the film. How about our hero discovers he's the victim of a secret cabal of celebrity impressionists plotting world domination? To get to the bottom of the mystery, Walken must use his wiles and pitch perfect Streisand impression to infiltrate the group.
6. More Birdman?
Returning to Birdman for a moment, Mr. Birdman hated critics and was an actor and critics liked the film. Obviously they have issues of some sort. We can make the most of these by, I don't know, having Walken punch Mark Kermode or something. Hell, maybe the villain could be a critic, like Roger Ebert back from the dead, or something less dumb.
7. Birdmanhood
Combining points 1 and 4, how about we take the key trick of both films, the former's use of what resembles one continuous shot and the later's.... I've forgotten which one was the later one..... uh.... Boyhood's filmed over twelve years trick, and make a film in a single take over a twelve year period. It'll be a 105190 hour long masterpiece unlike any film before it. Oscar time!
8. Horses
At some point, Walken must ride a horse somewhere, at breakneck speed I might add, to deliver some kind of warning to someone. Or at least that's what I think it says on this napkin.
9. Just make Birdman
On an unrelated note, I'm ninety percent sure the woman in this is actually Kirsten Dunst. She's aged well. Best wishes, Ivan
Word on the street is, you guys are in a bit of a bind. You're fast running out of novels and half novels to turn into whole films. What's more, those dastardly vidje-agames snagged Liam Neeson with a contract to make Clash of Clans Superbowl Ads 2, With a Vengeance, 4.0 and A Good Day to Clash Clans, he's minted, he doesn't need Taken anymore. You could say he's been taken *is electrocuted*
Anyhoo, I'd like to take a few minutes of your time to pitch you an original concept for a film. Now, it is currently just a trailer, but here's the thing. Trailers are what make people want to see a film. To succeed, all a film needs to do is include scenes that will impress people in trailer form. Sorry art.
What's more, this film will give some much needed love to one of America's favourite sons, Christopher Walken. Did you see Peter Pan Live. I didn't was it good? Doesn't matter, what's important is that Christopher Walken was the best bit about it. The people love
It occurs to me that reading a trailer is probably not the best way to enjoy it, so to help with the atmosphere open Hans Zimmer's page on spotify, that ought to do it.
_________________________________________________________________
Walken Into Darkness Trailer
By Ivan Moustaches
INT. BANK - DAY
Two people fill out a form on a table, they block our view of the bank behind
MAN:
Hang on, I've written your name instead of mine again.
"WALKEN" VOICE OFFSCREEN (DISTANT):
Hey, how're you, doing. This is. A robbery
WOMAN:
Jeez Frank
MAN:
It's a common mistake.
"WALKEN" VOICE OFFSCREEN (DISTANT):
Give me. All the cash. In the bank.
WOMAN:
No it's not, Jeez, why'd I ever marry, hang on, that sounds like.... Christopher Walken?
The man and woman turn around, in doing so allowing us to see the rest of the bank. The balaclava wearing "WALKEN" is talking to a BANK WORKER, a crowd has begun to form, some are taking pictures
"WALKEN":
I said, all the cash. Now. I gotta fever, and the only prescription, is cash!
BANK WORKER:
Mr. Walken, we can't just give you any more money than what's in your account. However, if you take that mask off I myself will gladly pay you for a photograph.
"WALKEN":
Little man. If I, don't. Get the money. It's gonna get. Real crazy, in here.
BANK WORKER (still very calm):
How about I pay you for an answering machine message
"WALKEN":
Sure, here's my. Message
"Walken" takes out a gun and shoots the bank worker.
"WALKEN" addressing the other shocked bank workers:
Come on. Make with the cash, chop chop.
The image resolution becomes grainy, and we transition from looking at the scene in the bank to looking at the same scene on a news show.
NEWS ANCHOR:
Actor Christopher Walken was seen, well, heard, robbing a bank today, critically wounding a bank worker in the process. Authorities are unsure of what drove the star of Balls of Fury to commit such a vicious crime. We now go live to his home.
EXT. WALKEN'S HOME - EVENING
Walken is surrounded by a swarm of reporters.
REPORTER:
Mr, Walken! Chris! Chris! Why'd you do it? Acting not giving you the same kick?
WALKEN:
I'm telling you. That. Was not, me. It was, some one. Doing an impression. I gotta distinct voice. A lot of people. Do 'em,
REPORTER (Doing a Walken impression. Badly):
Yeah. They. Are. Great.
Fade to black.
VOICE-OVER:
Framed for a crime he didn't commit.
INT: A House - Night
WALKEN:
You gotta believe me.
VOICE-OVER:
Christopher Walken has one day to clear his name
EXT: A Los Angeles Street - DayWalken runs through a crowd, wearing a hooded jumper, with the hood up. As he runs, he wipes off the clown make-up he's wearing with a tissue. He is pursued by the police
VOICE-OVER:
Or watch his life
INT: The house - Night
OTHER CHARACTER POSSIBLY PLAYED BY MERYL STREEP:
This is bad Chris
VOICE-OVER:
Crumble
EXT: Dessert - Night
Walken dives behind a wall, in the distance there is a large explosion
VOICE-OVER:
Before
EXT: The Hollywood sign - Day
Walken runs along the top of the Hollywood sign, persued by men in 18th century greatcoats, he looks over his shoulder to see one of the men aiming a gun at him, and jumps, managing to take cover by nestling in the V part of the letter W
VOICE-OVER:
His
EXT: The Walk of Fame
GARY OLDMAN attacks Walken's star with a hatchet, cracking it, symbolising the damage done to Walken's reputation and legend by a crime he was innocent of.
VOICE-OVER:
Eyes
EXT: The roof of a building - Morning
Walken stands on the centre of the roof, turning in a circle with the camera. He looks very dishevelled. He's holding a pistol and has a beard. He yells at the sky, we see he's addressing a News helicopter.
WALKEN:
This is. Not what. It looks like. I've been set up. Someone's playing you guys. The guy at the bank. Wasn't me. He's not Walken. I'm Walken.
VOICE OF THE VILLAIN:
Oh, you're Walken alright. Walken right into my trap.
Gunshot.
Cut to black.
VOICE-OVER:
Walken Into Darkness
Starring Peter Pan Live's Christopher Walken
_________________________________________________________________
1. Difficult parental relationships
If Birdman's any indication, the academy want to see strained relationships between actors and their daughters, which I think could easily be worked in. Picture it, Walken's on the run, he isn't walking anymore, no where to turn when he realises there's only one person he can trust, who the press won't know about. His estranged daughter. Years ago, she grew ashamed of her father, despite Peter Pan Live and moved away, changed her name, and in a final slap in the face, changed her accent. I'm thinking she should have an English accent, but that's mostly because I feel I haven't seen Emily Blunt much in films lately. Edge of Whatnow?
2. The Villain
Kind of at a loss for who this should be, Walken being so loved that the idea of people hating him would surely shatter suspension of disbelief. I'm thinking maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sean Connery, jealous that ol' Chrissy Boy has stolen the title of guy people do impressions of a lot.
3. Your Mom
4. Time
Did you know Boyhood took twelve years to make? Mad. We gotta capitalise on this. If we start filming in May 2003 we should be ready to release in the next quarter. Might take a bit of script rewrite though
5. Secret Society
Point two got me thinking about a new direction for the film. How about our hero discovers he's the victim of a secret cabal of celebrity impressionists plotting world domination? To get to the bottom of the mystery, Walken must use his wiles and pitch perfect Streisand impression to infiltrate the group.
6. More Birdman?
Returning to Birdman for a moment, Mr. Birdman hated critics and was an actor and critics liked the film. Obviously they have issues of some sort. We can make the most of these by, I don't know, having Walken punch Mark Kermode or something. Hell, maybe the villain could be a critic, like Roger Ebert back from the dead, or something less dumb.
7. Birdmanhood
Combining points 1 and 4, how about we take the key trick of both films, the former's use of what resembles one continuous shot and the later's.... I've forgotten which one was the later one..... uh.... Boyhood's filmed over twelve years trick, and make a film in a single take over a twelve year period. It'll be a 105190 hour long masterpiece unlike any film before it. Oscar time!
8. Horses
At some point, Walken must ride a horse somewhere, at breakneck speed I might add, to deliver some kind of warning to someone. Or at least that's what I think it says on this napkin.
9. Just make Birdman
On an unrelated note, I'm ninety percent sure the woman in this is actually Kirsten Dunst. She's aged well. Best wishes, Ivan
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